as are my walls.
i've stars on my ceiling.
they ask me
why do you have
stars on your ceiling?
i tell them
my sheets are blue
as well as my comforter
and my pillows.
they sooth me while i sleep.
i feel as though
i spend my days
my room is my sea
the bed, my boat
my bear is my partner
we are set adrift
on the free sea.
because here there is
no left backwards forwards
there is just here
you're not here,
she's not here
nobody is here
but me and bear.
i can laugh
i can cry
and can breath
i can human
but... you never
answered the question
"why are there stars on your ceiling?"
because i know i'll never reach them
if i don't put them where i can.
- Garden Position:bedroom :)
- Garden Orchestra:Sade - Soldier of Love (on the radio)
It makes it hard to fall in love.
When I think about just what I need,
It makes it hard to trust someone.
Baby I gotta let go
Don’t wanna miss out on love this time,
Gotta leave those things behind.
taken from an old friends' recently-created blog...
i know i've not posted in a long time... and for good reason. is it possible to hate someone SOOOOO much, but love their family? i think i've only used the word towards one other person, really.
it takes a lot to get on my hate list, as i don't believe it's something to throw around so lightly.
as with someone's heart and their emotions.
which is why i feel the way i do.
but, like the title of this blog8, there's no use in crying over spilt love-milk...
[ed. note: this is copy-pasted from my other blog]
ive been playing sims for over an hour, so i think it's time for bed...
- Floral Aura: tired
Like... just... Iunno... home alone for a month kind of alone?
In a public washroom with no toilet paper and nobody there to pass you a square 'cause you went to the one on the 4th floor next to the skeevy shops everyone's too embarrassed to go into in daytime...?
Iunno, it's weird. To be surrounded with friends and family, whether it be IRL or online... it's like being in another country where you don't know the language (other than "direct me to the clean toilets").
Being alone and lonely are two different things.
But today, they feel like one and the same.Maybe I just need to stop sitting online at odd hours of the morning...
- Garden Position:livingroom
- Floral Aura: lonely
i love you
i hate you
i hate you
i don't know what to do with you anymore.
"please don't drag me down this mud path anymore"
but maybe i need to just... confess myself.
nice and clear.
hanging out tonight started rocky, but was fun. i want to hang out with you more.
i wish you could have stayed...
i can still smell you on me.
and it hurts me.
- Floral Aura:saddened
- Garden Orchestra:Lioness - You're My Heart
i feel like im suffocating
falling and not hitting anything solid
i can't feel beneath me
my eyes are open, but i don't know if im awake.
i'm losing it...
the will to go on.
nobody's given me a reason to go on.
i keep searching for answers, but i can't find any.
this is all so pointless.
i'm dead on the inside, playing puppet to the puppeteers twisted show.
but who's pulling the strings?
why do they make me dance so?
my questions go on, like the unheard beat of a stillborn....
i feel like i speak but i can't even hear myself...
and if i can't hear me, then who can?
i wish i had a hand to hold, at times like this
a hand to be my paperbag... something for me to breath in to... to calm down...
but my hand is empty...
i've nobody's hand to hold...
and thus, i fall...
i fall so far...
there's no end to it...
my deep, dark hole...
that ironically shines so bright.
i'm sorry to every and anyone who still reads this. my journal entries are so devastatingly emo... but really, it's because this is how i feel. the me out there isn't real.... and sadly, it's becomming harder and harder to play the role that i play. wost of all, i don't think i know wht that role is anymore...
i'm going to go eat cold chili and read my nana...
i need a hachiko.
- Garden Position:my room
- Floral Aura: empty
- Garden Orchestra:drake + lykke li - little bit remix
it's about time, eh!?
Travis... that's his name... is SHO hawt! 16.4" widescreen... nummy!
I'm just too too giddy about it!
now to pay it off :/
"i'm so tired... of playing... playing with this bow and arrow...."
i love you portishead.
but really, i appologize for not posting in like... NINE WEEKS.
my life has been a horrible trainwreck of explosions and fires.
highs and lows, as per usual.... but also some rock-bottoms.
i'm so horrible at relationships... and i wish i knew what my faults were when it comes to them, because if i could figure it out, then maybe i could have a REAL chance at some kind of future. one that isn't being shared with kady right now.
kady is a gateway kat.. i swear to fsck she is... 10 years from now, i'll have like, THREE more. mark your calendars, i called it.
right now, i feel kinda bad... because i just don' know. i'm forcing myself to open up more.... because i'm so used to shutting up/ down when things get heavy... i was never one to express certain emotions... well, express them as passionately as my anger, to say the least.
i wish i could channel all that fury into my other emotions... but then again, i think PDA is silly, and wearing one's heart on their sleeve to be a beacon for everyone to take focus on the fool who's lovestruck.
i love you.... but i don't know if i'm IN love with you.
i like having you around, but i don't know if i could do it forever.
i want you in my life.... 'cause it's been so long, that i don't know what i'd do if you weren't.
but other than that... i don't know.
on the flipside... i wish you'd tell me what you want.
have i offended you with my brashness?
did i say something to you once that turned you against me?
i think we need to talk about this.
i'd really like to...
In other news, i got another tattoo... it's the pirannah plant from the mario bros. series... I'M SUCH A GEEK! it's big and prettyful, and in two weeks i go back for colours~! wheee!
money well spent bitches. very well spent.
- Garden Position:livingroom
- Floral Aura: grey
- Garden Orchestra:Portishead - Toybox
mcmansion that had just been built across the road.
“Well, ma’am,” answered the rancher, “cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ‘em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns…. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
Artist: Janet Jackson f/ Q-Tip, Joni Mitchell Album: The Velvet Rope Song: Got 'Til It's Gone Typed by: OHHLA Webmaster DJ Flash [Janet] What's, what's the next song? [Q-Tip] The one about me [Janet] Ohh yeah? I like this song [Q-Tip] Uhh, what [Janet] Uhh, uhh [Q-Tip] What [Janet] Like Joni says [Joni Mitchell] Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* [Janet & Q-Tip] Uhh (ahh) uhh (ahh) [Joni Mitchell] *DJ scratch* That you don't know what you've got til it's gone [Janet] Have a feeling, now believing; that you were the one I was meant to be with Oh how I'm wishing; thinking dreaming bout you, and the love How'd I ever let you get away [Joni Mitchell] *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem [Q-Tip] Yeah yeah yeah [Joni Mitchell] *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* [Q-Tip] What? Joni Mitchell never lies *DJ scratch* that you don't know what you've got til it's gone [Janet]If I could turn back (yeah) the hands of time (mmm-hmm) Make you, fall in love, in love with me again So would you give me, another chance, to love To love you, love you the right way, no games [Joni Mitchell] *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem [Q-Tip] Joni Mitchell never lies [Joni Mitchell] *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... *DJ scratch* [Q-Tip] One two, one two, yo Let me just fuck with it for a minute... what? (*DJ scratch* that you don't know what you've got til it's gone) Now you realizin when them nights go long, right Campaign for me to stay when you know that I'm gone, right You act all wild, when I tell you to settle I was workin round the clock, but your girls want to meddle ("I heard! Knahmsayin? I heard that you was on the beach...") Talk about I heard he swims with this chick on the beach That was out with the tide, but my love you impeach Now you lookin at the walls, head in hands, cold jonezin Ringin my house, hangin up and then posin Now why you wanna go and do dat love, huh? Now why you wanna go and do dat and do dat huh?(repeat 4X) [Joni Mitchell] *DJ scratch* Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's... (repeat 3X) [Q-Tip] Joni Mitchell never lies *DJ scratch* That you don't know what you've got til it's gone [Q-Tip] Uh-uhh uhh, uh-uh, uh-uh uhh Uh-uhh uhhh uhh uhh, uh uh Yo yo, do you feel that, uhh uhh? *Janet laughing with Q-Tip* T-t-t-t-that you don't know what you've got til it's gone *DJ scratch* *DJ scratch* That you don't know what you've got til it's gone
and for those of you who still actively follow this journal, i sincerely appologize for all the wah-wah that i'm doing. I can't cry... and i've no one to talk to, so this is all that i've got.
hey, i *am* the pity-me princess, afterall...
- Garden Orchestra:Janet Jackson (Featuring Q-Tip And Joni Mitchell) - Got 'Til It's Gone (Jay Dee's Revenge Mix) | Pow
well, i don't know if i love 'love', or even the concept or idea of 'love'....
i don't care to much about being in love, either.
but that's neither here nor there.
i'm just feeling so suffocatingly.... down. alone. isolated.
when you're alone, and you're alone most of your life, you don't know what 'alone' is,
until someone comes and tells you.
and then you stop and question...
"is being alone a bad thing?"
then everyone will reply "yes!"
you must interact, socialize, make friends, connections, etc etc etc.
So you reluctantly do so.
you slowly take down your paper brick wall,
brick by single paper-brick...
you unsheathe your eyes,
let the sun shine in.
you take the hand held out to you, and you embrace it.
whole-heartily. without question.
and you continue to do this... because it "doesn't hurt";
it's not as alienesque as you thought it may be.
you didn't understand it before, but now you do.
the difference from being alone and not alone.
but then time goes on, and you grow...
you live, you learn, you love, you lose.
and then you're alone. again.
and you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
how can you miss something if you've never experienced it?
if you've never felt love from another- friendship, kinship, romance...
any kind of love...
then you won't miss it when it's gone.
so here i stand, with the world on my chest,
work piling up, with no time to rest.
the sky is blue, the wind is cool
my eyes are like faucets,
the tears creating a pool.
lol... no more of that... waaaay to emo, even for my overly-emo ass.
but on the reals... i do feel pretty shitty.
i went to the doctors, just ot make sure that my cyst has cleared up.
it has. but i also told him something that made me go and take a blood test.
i get my results tuesday morning.
and when i do... i think i'll share more.
i feel like... i can't really open up to anyone.
correction: like i've no one to open up to.
so i'm carrying this load... and it's building and building and building...
and i'm going to get crushed. i know i am, because i have before,
many MANY times.
i tried opening up to someone last night...
THAT went horribly.
i should probably cut that person out of my life...
like the damaged nerve endings of an abscess...
cut them off before they come back.
only unlike an infection...
i've grown close to this person, these people...
and i hate it.
if i was alone, and never made friends, i'd be (even more) socially awkward
but at least i wouldn't have been hurt.
as much, that is.
this coffee went right through me.
once again, i never learn.
- Garden Position:around...
- Garden Orchestra:Janet Jackson ft. Q-Tip - Got 'Til Its Gone